His love, His story: our daughter.

I am 27 years old. 

It would take me 54 years to tell half of what God has done in my 27. And that is not because I am great, but because I am awful. And He has redeemed and restored and renewed. Indeed, "He makes all things new (Rev 21:5)." 

God's story in my life is mind-blowing. I will attempt to tell it here but not to boast, at least not in anything but Him. "For from him, through him, and to him are all things. To Him be the glory in all things (Romans 11:36)." I, more than anyone, know that I am the least deserving.

In January of 2007,  I attended the Passion Conference in Atlanta. I rode with a brother friend from our Peru Missions group and stayed with my bestie Jessi (Gross) Gillis right outside Atlanta. I was overwhelmed. John Piper preached "The Morning After Gospel." And Beth Moore spoke on humility. Francis Chan silenced me with Colossians 1. And Louie Giglio made my eyes pour oceans on the last night as we talked about God's global story. There, that night in January of 2007, I made a covenant with God. I started waiting for my husband in a whole new way. I promised to stop abusing my body with exercise and food restriction. I promised to seek purity. That doesn't mean that the battle never overwhelmed me. By God's grace, I remained pure for my husband over those 6 years. I continued my battle with anorexia nervosa and exercise bulemia with cycles of improvement and eventually full recovery. God hemned me in with injury, heartache, hopelessness, and a pit so deep I couldn't get out with the whole world on my side. I can still see Chan reading aloud with his hands ringing and sweat pouring off his brow emphasizing every word half way through that Passion week: "To them God chose to make known how great among the Gentiles are the riches of the glory of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory (Colossians 1:27)". Oh yes, 'tis a great mystery. And my only hope is Christ in me. There are plenty of gory details from January of 2007 to January 2013 as I wrestled through my covenant, but for the sake of your time, I will move quickly through some of those seasons. However, I am an open book and am very willing to bear my soul with any of you for His glory. My scars are trophies of His miracles. Battle wounds of victories tasted constantly. They're still on my tongue. Don't hesitate to ask.

My family lives in Tuscaloosa, AL and attends church there regularly. We've been members there since we moved to Tuscaloosa in 1995. In 2008, a new couple moved to town and joined our home church in Northport. They quickly became friends with my parents, eventually teaching Sunday School and organizing social events for the class as well. They had a son named Andrew. I only knew of Andrew through my parents' friends. I knew they had a son who was somewhere around my age. He was a Marine stationed in California with his wife. I'd never seen a picture and knew nothing else about him. In the Fall of 2009, my parents' friends asked me to pray for their son, Andrew, and his wife. They'd recently lost a child and were expecting again. I actually remember where I was standing when I saw his parents and they updated me about their prayer request for Andrew. I was beside the cosmetics aisle in Target, perusing the store and registering for wedding gifts with my fiancé at the time. Oh the irony and the details He weaves. I was committed to praying for Andrew, his wife, and baby Emma until her arrival. And then when scary things happened during birth, I continued to pray. 

In July of 2010, my plans shattered. Little did I know, Andrew was half a world away shattering as well. As I mentioned, I was engaged to be married and that relationship ended. My father returned from deployment overseas and we were calling off a wedding instead of him walking me down the aisle...not exactly what I'd envisioned. Not what any girl dreams of for her wedding day. Back up a few months, in Feburary of 2010, I'd decided to pursue my doctoral degree at Auburn University and was scheduled to start in August of 2010. Now the question arose-- would I still go? I spoke with confidence and told my mother that no matter what happened with that relationship, I felt that the Lord was moving me to Auburn and asking me to trust Him in that. 

In July, while home for the last month of my clinical hours at DCH Northport in the Women's Center earning my practicum credit to be an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant, I pushed hard in to God. I ran a lot. I listened a lot. And I spent a lot of time with my family before moving across the state. 

Insert God. 

In July of 2010, Andrew came home for a few weeks to visit his parents between change of duty stations in the Marine Corps. He was moving to Niceville, FL for EOD. His parents introduced Andrew to me in church and I saw him from afar during the Sunday evening service. I thought nothing of it. We worshipped to "Our God" while my brother played drums in the praise band. I danced barefoot in the back-- praying God would do a miracle in my broken heart and prepare me for my journey to Auburn. I didn't have much room for noticing boys. Our parents were having dinner together at my parents' home later that week-- nothing unusual as they frequently spent time together. Since I was at my parents' home more that summer while nursing a heartache, I joined them for this dinner. I remember being rushed to get ready; I wore my hair wet. And some free-spirited outfit. And I'd probably been crying most of the day while searching out God's still small voice about what in the world I was supposed to be doing. Andrew came along that night to meet the rest of this family that his parents spoke of so often. We enjoyed a delicious southern supper with fish and corn on the cob, telling stories of travels and childhood and bearing our souls.

The next Sunday evening, the college group went out for Yogurt Mountain and I sat across from him-- he and my brother the only boys. I trusted my brother and my father during this season and no other man. But Andrew seemed safe because he wasn't interested. His wife called to work through the legal separation papers as the rest of us laughed over yogurt concoctions. He seemed older than his age as he walked through this; showing Emma's picture to us in his wallet, talking about getting her ready for bed, and blowing in her face to make her giggle. It seemed foreign to me; I couldn't imagine the ocean of overwhelming emotion he was feeling. Though he wouldn't have told you, Andrew was heart broken and hopeless over a broken marriage and a child he'd left behind for his next Marine Corps duty station. We didn't really speak of it. Our interactions revolved around church, bible study at Starbucks, an afternoon in Barnes and Noble as we both poured over books not talking much but soaking in whatever we were reading separately. And discussing our misery.  He was safe. He didn't believe in love or marriage anymore. And he thought women were dumb for the most part. That didn't offend me because I thought men were dumb and we agreed to be okay with each other's opinion out of respect for each other's situation. 

I moved to Auburn in August. Andrew moved south to Florida. He text messaged, emailed, sent packages, and cards during my first month there. And then I began another phase in my previous relationship. Andrew and I stopped corresponding. I cried the night I told him we couldn't be close friends anymore out of respect for that growing relationship. I remember feeling bad about it but knowing that it was the right thing to do. I should have known then that it meant something. However, I moved on with one foot in front of the other in pursuit of what I perceived as God's "yes" for me in that season. I didn't talk to Andrew again until October of 2011. I saw him when I came home for Christmas in 2010, but it was brief. And I rejected his suggestion for coffee with our friends; I guess looking back now, maybe I was scared. All I knew then was that I wanted to be faithful to my relationship and to be guarded; amazingly, God also used my choices in that to teach Andrew that he could trust me and my character later against all his previous experiences with women. When my relationship ended again in October 2011, I called my mom and cried my eyes out as any woman would. I even let her come stay with me and take care of me the following week -- so no judgement if you've crawled in bed with your mom and cried your eyes out to her anywhere between 25 to 30 while she cooked for your roommates and helped you decorate for fall and held your hair back while sick with heartache. My mom called one of her best friends that very night--- also known as Andrew's mom --- and immediately asked her to begin praying for me. Andrew's mom called Andrew. And Andrew threw a party. Little did I know that Andrew had already been praying for me by name from afar. With no interaction for so long. From the spring of 2011 to the fall of 2011 he waited and hoped and prayed that God would change the course of things and give me to him. 

Miserable and broken again, I had no desire to even speak with a man. I received a simple message from Andrew later that week that read "i heard what happened. that sucks. let me know if you need anything. you are worth more." no pressure, nothing. we talked on Skype at some point-- it was his daughter's birthday and a rough day for him and obviously a rough month for me. So he shared what he was learning in the Old Testament and blew my mind with Genesis 5 (you should ask him to blog about it and it will blow your mind too!). Again, he was safe. He'd told me he didn't believe in love or marriage anymore long ago. And I believed him. We didn't talk much, but he made sure I was breathing during October.

So I went home for the Thanksgiving holiday. Lucky me, our families do Thanksgiving dinner together.  And I glared at him across the table. For no reason. He was a man. And a bitter man for his own reasons. And I was a very bitter woman. And then Christmas came. I drove home feeling a little more free after leaving my heart on paper elsewhere. I took the time to heal over break. I spent a lot of time healing at home. I wrote. I read. I played the piano non-stop and crooned at the top of my lungs. I let God sing over me. I clung to my sweet Sisters afar and their nuggets of Truth in His word and their sweet intercession. I rested in the arms of my mom and dad and brother. I sat in the floor for puppy dog kisses from Diego. 

Andrew's dad is now the pastor of a church. Andrew was speaking on Christmas Sunday and my family attended (of course). I was clinging to the hope of Christmas, a miracle for my broken heart. I felt as though I was on the cusp of healing but not quite there yet. I still had questions. 

The day after Christmas I woke up with a body that felt uninhibited in breathing, moving, sleeping, walking, talking. The weight lifted. I had cried eyes closed the night prior with the revelation that the other man was not supposed to love me. He was not equipped to do so as my husband for all of time and neither was I equipped to do so for him. He was my yes for a season. He was God's protection over me in a lot of ways. He schooled me in many things. I learned so much about myself in those three years. God grew me up in those three years. I fought it like crazy-- His refining of me. I fought the end like crazy because I knew the refinement would kill me. And it did. But his ending our relationship was his protection over me; God used him to bring me nearer to Him and prepare me for my husband. I was a different person post December 2011. 

Andrew began pursuing me in an incredible friendship over the following days. He took me out for New Year's Eve 2011. I left for Passion the next day and spent 4 days at God's feet serving and worshipping and seeking His voice. It fell on my ear; I drove south to Florida from Atlanta instead of west to Tuscaloosa to get my sweet Diego. My parents were yelling there permission all the way across the state. And so were his. I drove to let my heart heal at the ocean's edge. The beach has always been my safe place and Andrew knew that from listening to me talk about my therapist from the two years prior. I never took him up on his offer to stay at his house while he stayed elsewhere in November or December; he was certain it would help me heal. I finally took him up on it. I met Andrew on the sidewalk. He made dinner. We talked about Passion 2012. We reveled in what He was doing. Andrew had already asked my father for permission to pursue me, court me, and marry me. He made his intentions clear to me in February. He proposed to me in May (that's another blog post and also available on our wedding website!), and married me on October 20, 2012. 

We went home for Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays this year as two completely different persons than this time last year. We know people will question how quickly our marriage came; we know the only answer is God the Father, Jesus the Savior, and the Holy Spirit as our Guide. Nothing could have changed my heart and my world last year as He did. Only He could get through to me and to Andrew where we both were lying on the threshing floor (in two different places spitting at the idea of the other). 

After Christmas, we traveled to Atlanta for New Years Eve to celebrate with family; on January 1st we embarked on Passion 2013 as volunteers-- thankfully together this time. Working in Worship and Justice with my husband beside me (instead of in my back pocket like last year) was an amazing ride. I'd written Andrew often during Passion in 2012 to boast about what I was watching Him do before my eyes and what God was doing in me and how breathtaking it was serving these college students at the feet of our Father and Savior. Passion 2013 was the best preparation we could have asked for going in to the weekend where he'd see his daughter for the first time since the summer of 2010. And the first time his parents, grandparents, aunts, uncle, and cousin would see her face and hold her. And the first time I would meet her and call her ours. There is no "step" in this world for any us in our families. 

Due to long extenuating circumstances and lots of complications, Andrew had not been able to see his daughter since that summer of awfulness in 2010. It's not because he didn't try or didn't want to, but that is all water under the bridge now. The Lord has provided a way and this little girl that I've known about since she was in her mother's womb and prayed for as she made her way into this world is now part of our lives again. This little girl that He created for His purposes is now back in her daddy's arms at least one weekend out of the month. We couldn't be more thrilled to see how God uses us as He grows her up as a Daughter of the King. It is our absolute privilege to know Him and make Him known. Emma Jeanne was three years old two days after our wedding; a long time ago, I told my mom I wanted to be married by 22 and have my first child by 24. I didn't get married until 27, but God gave us a daughter who is 3. Funny, she's been alive since I was 24...she is half of my husband and though I didn't carry her in my womb, I did carry her in my heart. Amazing God that He is,  I knew all about her coming in to this world; He even gave me a small part of that in prayer. Oh the intricacies of You! Though we do not condone, promote, or like the idea of divorce because we know that God hates it, we understand that as imperfect human beings the Bible does allow for divorce. We also have not participated in infidelity or adultery with God's great protection on us in how our relationship developed and transpired with His hand and our parents' ushering in the appropriate time. It is our hope to raise up our children in a home that encourages biblical marriage, keeps its sanctity, and preserves His statutes. It is our prayer that as parents we remind them of their Heavenly Father's love for them as well. We are overwhelmed by God's goodness. In fact, "good" is a dirty word in comparison to how good He really is to us. There are no words.

It's been a long time coming; one of the first things Andrew ever told me about in Julyof  2010 was his daughter. And he showed me her lovely picture. He said "you'll meet her some day.  and you'll love her. and she'll love you." Little did we know what would come to pass. I cannot imagine the hardship and long-suffering my husband has experienced in his heart; I have merely watched him and hurt for him...and God, it seems to be such a long road from my perspective. I am amazed at what you have done, Lord. We prayed for immediate bonding, and she called him Daddy right away. We asked for protection, ease of transition, positive attitudes from those involved in both families, forward progress...and so forth. God showed up and answered every prayer exceeding our hopes. The God of immeasurably more. There are so many other details to tell of and I look forward to the coming days of getting to boast more of His great love. 

We have explained to Emma that God loves her very much...and that she has two sets of parents who love her more than she will ever know. 

So we welcome, our daughter, Emma Jeanne Newby, into our lives and live expectantly for all He has in store for us as our family grows. 

Emma Jeanne Newby, January 2013

bare bones. happy heart. full being.

I am about to embark on one of the most important weeks of my life. ever. 7 days from now I'll be surrounded by my favorite girls dining on beautiful scrumptious foods and giggling about the next 24 hours. These beautiful women who are ushering me in, you would love them all. And then there's my family who is giving me away to the son-in-law/brother-in-law of their dreams after raising me up in love and truth and grace for 27 years.  And our friends and family who have watched us grow up, fall apart, fall in love, and begin to build this life together. 


I have a long list of things to do....but I thought it fitting that I read this today in my quiet time. And I needed to sit in my "running around" and find Him and find Jesus as the Center of these doings.  I thought it even more fitting that I share it with you dear hearts, given my season. 
From Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow
The section is titled  "God Created Your Body" and here are my favorite excerpts today: 
Psalm 139. Read it like you've never read it before. Insert your name. 

• In Hebrew, the word "wrought" means "embroidered." The same Hebrew word used to refer to the skillful and artistic needlework in the curtains of the Old Testament tabernacle. When God fashioned you, Jessica-Lauren, --
 you should pause insert your name here -- in your mother's womb (described in the Psalms as the "depths of the earth"), He embroidered with great skill. 

• ....if we are displeased with our physical form, we're really arguing with God. His is responsible for the color of our hair and the size of our nose and whether we have cellulite. 

• When we compare ourselves with others, we're told we are without understanding. The Living Bible says we're "stupid." 2 Corinthians 10:12

• "You will never really enjoy other people, you will never have stable emotions, you will never lead a life of Godly contentment, you will never conquer jealousy and love others as you should until you thank God for making you the way He did."                       - Rev James Hufstetler

• "I would rather be what God chose to make me than the most glorious creatures that I could think of; for to have been thought about, born in God's thought, and then made by God, is the dearest, grandest, most precious thing in all thinking. "                              -George MacDonald (the man C.S. Lewis called his mentor) 

- a sweet friend of mine gave me this book during this busy season and it has been a perfect read

Good stuff huh? If you know me, you know I struggled off and on with exercise bulimia and anorexia nervosa for several years. If you have walked with me in the last year, you know God has done amazing miraculous things in this life (apart from AN/BE). That would take 100 million blog posts to describe and would still fall short. 

Some of my greatest freedom is revealed to me daily as I work with women on their journey to recovery. It is one of my greatest privileges in life. And to think, He knew I would not be satisfied with this frame, yet He equipped me (see Hebrews 13) fully for recovery, for life, for freedom, and He predestined that I would recover (long and painstakingly) and walk with other women through their beautiful battles as well. And that it would daily be my joy. And my accountability. And my continued hope for our God of miracles to come through for me in different ways because I bear witness to His miracles in others and am reminded of those He's already done for me. 

Everyone always uses the verse below in heartache to give hope. I wanted to slap some people for it along the way (you'll love me for my honesty). The "in all things" part is the piece that that what is so hard to swallow. When your mouth is parched, your belly aches, your heart wrenches in pain. However, when you are sitting where hindsight is 20/20, you can nod and amen and forget the tears and gut pain and cracking of the sternum and revel in the glory of Him and His goodness. He really is "Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think." (Ephesians 3:20)

"We are assured and know that, God being a partner in their labor, all things work together and are fitting into a plan for good to and for those who love God and are called according to His design and purpose." Romans 8:28 

Back to the main point. Contentment. I marry my best friend, love of my life, God-given husband in 8 days. I have no idea how much I weigh anymore. I gave up the scale and vowed to never look at it again. That's part of my living in recovery and freedom. My wedding dress was not sized to require dieting or intense exercise. I can breathe and walk in it and enjoy my wedding day. My almost husband wants me to gain instead of lose, but will settle for maintaining at this healthy place. Do I ever have a bad day? Do I ever feel less than what I wanted to be on my wedding day? Do I ever feel anxious about the way my clothes fit? Yes. But those thoughts don't win out anymore. I know what is truth and what is a lie. And that is the majority of the battle. I know when to ask for affirmation. I know how to avoid the weight conversation with other women and steer clear of "fat talk." I don't believe in good food or bad food. I eat real cheese, enjoy desserts, listen to my body, and take care of myself. I don't exercise every day. I don't compensate. I don't punish myself. I don't deprive myself. I live. I really live. 

On my wedding day, I'll eat, drink and be merry-- with the one whom my heart loves, who was made for me by the One who saved me and made me for Himself.

Cheers to all of you. May you find Your rest in what He made you to be. And comfort in a Sister's words of His goodness in all things. 

never too busy for Love.

Well hello there....
life is busy. and i'm blessed. and i feel like taking a small break from other computer work to boast about His kindnesses.

only 96 days to go: i couldn't feel more ready and unready at the same time! praying and seeking and hoping He will have made me ready to be this man's bride in <96 days.... I'm a piece of work let me tell you!

leaving each other every Sunday....well it stinks.
seeing his face every Friday afternoon (praise Christ for the provision for that) is totally worth it.
premarital counseling should be a must for every couple (i think).
Seagram's key lime sparkling seltzer water should be a regular in my fridge.
I'm so happy that my life has become much more "whole." Recovery, heart brokenness. Heart healing. More recovery. Redemption. Gosh, what He has done!

I'm counting down days to the day my Heavenly Bridegroom makes me an earthly Bride to this incredible Groom who loves my Lord more than he loves me. winning. all the way.

back and better than ever.

life lately. enjoy:) 

So after I published the last post-- I found this one in "drafts" and it was too good not to share too!  Feel free to drool or vomit if you must. 

I've been doing a lot of driving.

he's usually at the end of the drive.

I was also doing a lot of running. They were at the beginning, the middle and the end. literally and emotionally.

My family cheered me on like nothing you've ever seen. Not just in the race...but in life this 6 months especially. Which was another kind of race altogether.

I ran to him at the finish line. How could I not?!

 

He cools me down.

sickness together = better than apart.

he makes my bad days better.

and the beachy kisses sweet.

i feel like a queen. truly. 

and this is the captain of my earthly ship!

just another love bouquet. 

i think i might be happy. 

even our feet are in love. 

i call it a 6 month (somewhat unusual) vacation.

Where does one begin to describe the travels of 6 plus months which have forever altered her life?

i pause right now, in between sentences about causal criteria on another Mac space, to put my joy into the universe. I'm crazy enough to think that my words have some value; He made me and gave me words and a tongue and supposedly I know truth and I have experienced both bondage and freedom....which is worthy of being told.

supposedly my life is worthy of a memoir....or at least it is going to be....according to the love of my earthly life (before he was such...rather, before I knew he was such).

I'm rambling.

God does that to me. i get so excited. so over the top beyond myself (thankfully) and i can't even begin to express in words. "good" doesn't cut it. "Good" is like a dirty word in comparison to what He is and what He has done and all that He encompasses.

so i'm on "vacation" aka I'm working from home (Andrew's home) in Destin over this Independence Day weekend. items to accomplish?

1) homework from an incomplete course
2) wedding to-do list galore
3) job stuff like MOU's and salaries and descriptions and scheduling for fall students
4) notes that are long over due to people who deserve more than "thank you"
5) rest to heal my body and my brain;  recovery from what I do to myself by over-booking, over-shooting, overcommitting myself
6) grace to self
7) heart progress
8) wifey preparation
9) home making
10) exercise for sanity and pleasure
11) bestie time (nearby)
12) overcome stomach issues that have been lingering x 5 days.
13) make shorter to do lists (ironic)

But I pause to say this: my God is big. my God is really big. And He has done some pretty miraculous things. I'd love to know about the miraculous things He's done in you and yours. Feel free to comment. And I'll share in the next post myself. I must be woman of integrity (hear me roar!) and finish this school work. oh PhD-- come quickly!

I graduated from UA in May of 2010....and felt certain God was calling me to Auburn, AL against all logic.  

In October of 2011, I was in deep need of a God-sized rescue. God came. He carried me through each day. And in a human way, Diego rescued me. 

I made a best friend (x3) and lived in a house with all of them. Plus Diego. And Ava. And I ran my first half marathon in Gulf Shores, Alabama with the best cheering squad every known to man. Irony? God sent me on a 360 flip in the air....when I landed, He was beneath me and my world actually turned out to be a much better place. 

This man led the cheering squad. He is my earthly hero, my soul mate, my only, my soon to be husband. I am the luckiest little girl in the whole wide world. 

Nothing of me is too much for him; baking scones at 2am? Sure baby:)

He loves me well; and these weren't "make up" flowers either:)

He makes everything funny, romantic, and easy for me. Art museum love here. 

And then this happened. Oh yes, I get to be his wife in 106 days.

God, I cannot praise you enough. In the good and the bad, Your purpose always prevail. And You are full of Purpose. And You Purposed us before the beginning of time. May we bring glory to Your name and grow Your Kingdom, not our own, in Yeshua's name.

poorer than the poorest because I am rich in this world but lacking in heaven sense due to my own wanderings

I don't have a lot worth saying here today because quite frankly I'm wrestling with my heart and my heart toward Christmas and life in general. And it's all like mud inside my brain. I do not mean it is a burden or that I don't want to be here; I mean that it is not yet describable in language (thank you Tower of Babel).  I'm wrestling. My gathering of things, my filling of holes with all kinds of things-- and I don't just mean retail therapy. I'm not saying giving your child a gift is wrong, I'm not saying I won't buy presents for anyone, I'm not saying that eating chocolate advent calendar candies is far-too-luxurious and you're a heathen for endulging. I'm not saying any of that because my sins are too numerous to point any fingers. I'm saying that God is wrestling something in me and I will come out limping like Jacob and that is okay. I think that limping because He has broken me is an easier walk than the limping I do on my own. 

"The poor are called to claim their identity as children of God and the non-poor are called to cast off their identities as gods.

The poor are beckoned to apply the gifts they’ve been given — because they have worth.

And the non-poor are beckoned to appropriate the gifts they’ve been given — because everyone has worth.

God is calling, beckoning the rich and poor alike – and He’s calling us all into right relationship.

The sun’s hot and we walk an edge of Ecuador and my hand’s sweating holding Lydia’s but I don’t want to let go—

Because the world’s real poverty is a poverty of lovers.

A poverty of people living loved and loving living and living His love.

Of people making relationships not rationalizations.

Of people who quit comparing and competing and begin caring and living compassion — who’ve touched the hurting next door and the hungry in the next continent and  know the face of  God." - Voskamp

To read the rest of this real life walk and post from Ann Voskamp go here.

stir

sometimes the old stuff is the best stuff. and when you read it again it is used anew:

"When I can no more stir my soul to move, when life is but the ashes of a fire, when I can but remember that my heart used to once live and love, long and aspire,

oh be Thou then the first, the One Thou art,

be Thou then the calling, before all answerings love,

and in me wake hope, fear, boundless desire." -George MacDonald

(highly recommend reading his fiction too)